My dear students, family, friends, colleagues & well-wishers,
I announced this blog in 2015. But did not upload any pieces by my students. Here is the first of pieces in the pipe-line.
Niketa Mulay is from my Class of 2007, Dept of Communication & Journalism, aka Ranade Institute, Savitribai Phule Pune University (SPPU). She writes poems under the pen-name "Glassbeads".
Niketa ditched a cozy bank job to pursue a Masters in Journalism and Communication in 2005: "The career change was not a smooth ride, but the satisfaction of doing something I was passionate about, outweighed the odd balls that I faced. After my son Vikrant was born, I took a break. And in 2010, I returned to free-lance writing and editing.
"I have kept my inner poet alive in this labyrinth of commercial writing. I love to read, write and scuba-dive. I root for human rights, conscious living, whole-some parenting and music."Words: 841. The original in Marathi appeared in Maharashtra Times on 27 July 2019. Translated into the English by her batch-mate Karuna Gosavi.
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By Niketa Mulay
POLES apart, but under the same sky, is the story of my long-distance relationship with my husband Ranjit. Our entire lives have revolved around communicating across miles, right from meeting ‘on-line’ for the first time – till now.
Our long-distance relationship survives on three strong pillars – trust, empathy and communication.
Trust, both giving and retaining, is of prime importance in my relationship with Ranjit who is a marine engineer and works on a ship. Months away from each other, we have now gotten used to this life, because both of us knew this fact – before we got married. Maybe, that is vital factor for a marriage to work – knowing before-hand and well, what you are getting into.
Trust is crucial. If he trusts me to look after his family, then we’re headed in the right direction. I have to uphold his belief that, in his absence, I will be competently responsible in handling issues that prop up at home. In the same way, I trust him to be loyal to me physically and mentally, despite temptations.
Forget these bigger things, even small stuff like doing the banking work and paying bills requires some level of trust. U have to prove that U can handle day-to-day affairs. And, in the partner’s absence, handling big issues like medical and personal emergencies builds immense faith in each other.
I can’t be a representative for shippie wives or others who make such relationships work, because every couple has its own logic and magic formula. From my personal experience and the recounting of experiences by friends and relatives, however, I am summing up my inferences on whether long- distance relationships work.
It’s hard work, I admit. But the minute you sink into self-pity, the delicate fabric of empathy is torn. When I think of Ranjit and empathise with his situation of missing the comfort of home and his dear ones, I realise my self-pity is so inadequate. When I am having fun with my colleagues at an office party, I remind myself that Hubby is some-where in the middle of the ocean working 12-hour shifts. That helps me to appreciate my position and value my comforts.
He understands the same when he is back home on a vacation: that I have been handling things at home and he has to help to make things easier when he is around. He figures I need a break and packs me off to a solo holiday at times! Such understanding doesn’t happen overnight, it takes years to build and a lot of positive communication. In our case, it has taken 16 years!
Communication is vital in such a situation. In the era of WhatsApp and video-calling, keeping in touch becomes easy. But sometimes a little becomes too much, too quickly. In our case, e-mail is the most favoured medium of communication. E-mails allow both of us the time to think about our thoughts and write about them, and also give the other person the time to ponder over what has been written.
We know that most problems happen when we react to what is said. In e-mails, the time for instant reaction is very less and there is more scope for understanding. Also, patience levels go up, because I know my husband can’t respond immediately.
With WhatsApp chat, the reply and response is expected to be instantaneous, but sometimes it is difficult to do so. Hubby may not know my state of mind at a particular time and yet expects me to instantly respond to his messages. Such communication becomes stressful at times; in our case although we can stay in touch better, it also causes misunderstanding and fights at times. So, over-communication is also a problem: he doesn’t have to know what I have cooked; I don’t need to ask him what pyjamas he is wearing!
There are days when I need to speak to him desperately, but I can’t because there is no network on the ship. At such times, it gets frustrating. But one gets by, staying distracted with other tasks. We miss each other's birthdays and anniversaries and festivals and important days.
Ranjit was sailing when his father expired. At such times to comfort a person is difficult and important. He was present, however, when our son Vikrant was born and loves being a hands-on dad. He strives hard to match his schedule so that we can enjoy a vacation together. “Being there” during our boy’s formative years is so vital and Hubby does that.
Such events bring us closer to each other. We have our arguments and fights too – it’s not all pink and rosy. But both of us want to see the bigger picture, how it is helping us come closer and develop as individuals and as a couple. The gains far out-weigh the minus points in my opinion.
Often friends ask me how we manage to keep our long-distance relationship strong. I tell them: “The distance has taught us to value each other’s presence more than we imagined. So the love grows stronger.”
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Please send your pieces to my email address:
<editjoepinto@gmail.com>
Your support is my strength,
Peace and love,
~ Joe Pinto, Saturday, 10 October 2020, Pune.
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